Heat Wave
by Indiahenna
Summary: A malfunctioning air conditioning system leads to unexpected events. Kanda/OC.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: DGM is the property of Katsura Hoshino. My OC is, of course, mine.

* * *

It's warm. Too warm.

They started out with the A/C on too high, and the castle which we resided was blindingly cold. Everyone walked around in layers of socks and sweaters; even Kanda, the exorcist with no outward show of emotion or discomfort, was walking around with long sleeves. The Science Department had taken time from its overbearing workload to fix the problem.

It was a little too fixed, if you were to ask me.

September was melting in October, yet inside the Order was a never-ending August summer. Not only did the heat work, but somehow the air managed to become humid and sticky, making being indoors a veritable Hell. To relieve themselves of the torment, many moved outside during the day. But as soon as night fell, all were forced back inside the oven.

I had lived at the Order for three years now and had been through many of its ups and downs. Yet not once did I recall a heat wave such as this. And it was manmade, for God's sake!

Others and I would occasionally check up on Reever and other members of the Science Department to see if they had solved the heater problem yet. They had made no progress whatsoever, and tempers were becoming shorter with each rise of the mercury.

Walking back to the cafeteria—maybe Jerry had whipped up some icy drinks—I ran into an unlikely pair. Lavi and Kanda were walking toward the cafeteria—well, realistically speaking, Kanda was stomping angrily whilst Lavi lagged behind, hands behind his head, talking at and nagging Kanda, the taboo first name cropping up on many an occasion. Lavi was wearing shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt in his attempt for comfort in the heat wave. Kanda wore his own typical sleeveless shirt, which displayed his upper body most satisfactorily, and the black pants from his uniform. Naturally, Mugen was at his side. Anyway, they were walking toward the cafeteria as well so I called out to them.

Lavi turned and waited for me to catch up while Kanda only glanced back briefly before continuing on his merry way.

"Andi!" Lavi called, customary smile on his face. "Where ya headed?"

"Cafeteria."

"Us too! Yuu, you don't mind if Andi joins us, do you?"

Kanda was a good distance away but still managed to give the typical "Che" as a response.

"I suppose that's a yes, then," Lavi said, and I walked side by side with him as we followed Kanda.

"How was your last mission?" Lavi asked as we walked, suppressing a yawn.

"Good. Not too many Akuma and although we didn't find any Innocence, we took care of one of the Earl's brokers."

We had reached the cafeteria and stopped short at the sight before us.

The cafeteria was packed with people—all sweating, grumpy, swearing, and bellowing for anything cold. Poor Jerry stood behind his steel-barred window—his only protection—making ice shavings as fast as humanly possible. It wasn't fast enough apparently. And this was Jerry, who could whip up enough meals to service a small village—or one Allen Walker—in five minutes.

"On second thought, maybe this can wait 'til later," Lavi said, mouth and eyes wide open in shock. His mouth widened with another yawn which he covered with his sleeve.

An idea occurred to me then.

"Hey Lavi?"

"Yeah?"

"You can control the elements with your Innocence, right? So can't you just whip up an ice storm or something?"

Lavi looked suddenly very uncomfortable and began to scratch his head. "I thought of that, and I would, except…I kinda lost my Innocence."

Both Kanda and I turned sharply on him. "You _what_?"

Lavi backed away, hands in front of him defensively and chuckling nervously. "No worries, I'll find it soon!"

"A _Bookman_…_lost_ something?" I said disbelievingly. "Is that even possible?"

"_Baka usagi_," said Kanda. However I saw the gleam in the would-be samurai's eye and knew where his thoughts had gone. So I stepped myself between him and Lavi, wary of the hand already on the hilt of the sword.

"It's tempting, I know, but you can't kill him, Kanda, just because he can't defend himself this time."

Kanda's hand did not move from the hilt of his sword as he glared down at me. I stared evenly back; Kanda didn't scare me except on the battlefield.

After a few moments Kanda's hand left the hilt of Mugen and he backed down. Satisfied I turned to Lavi and suggested, "I'll help you look for your Innocence. It's better than standing here doing nothing."

Lavi and I turned and retreated from the cafeteria and a short distance from the doors Lavi threw his arm around my shoulders.

"Well, at the very least, if we can't find my Innocence, we could always get to know each other better."

I pushed Lavi's arm off of me and said, "Not in the mood."

We spent the next several hours searching for Lavi's hammer, to no avail, and found our way back to the cafeteria for dinner, dejected and dying of the heat.

It was still insanely crammed inside, but we spotted Allen's usual pile and sat down. Allen and Lenalee were already seated, Lenalee eating a cool yogurt as Allen ate mounds upon mounds of cold food—different varieties of ice cream, flavored ice shavings, Italian ice, frozen fruit, chilled fresh vegetables, yogurt, frozen yogurt, fruit smoothies, iced coffee—as amazing an amount of food as any other time.

"It's so hot I can barely stomach a piece of fruit," Lenalee said, stirring her yogurt.

I wasn't even hungry. Even thinking of food in this sauna made me sick.

"You found your Innocence yet, Lavi?" Lenalee asked. Bookman Jr. and I shook our heads.

"We must have searched every inch of this place," I said tiredly.

"Well there is one place we didn't search," Lavi said pensively, and I turned to him hopefully.

"Where?"

A mischievous glint came to his eye. "My room." The attempt was ruined by another large yawn.

My hand was partway up to smack the back of his head when another hand beat me to it.

"Ow! Yuu, what was that f-f-f-for?" Lavi cried indignantly, suppressing another yawn. This boy needed some sleep.

"Not that you could even stay awake for the encounter," I said snidely, earning a few chuckles from Lenalee and Allen.

I saw Kanda continue on his way past our table after smacking Lavi and headed toward Jerry's window. I stared at his back, wondering. Had he hit Lavi because he was there, being annoying, or was it…?

I went ahead with the former option, knowing better.

"Why is Yuu always so mean to me?" Lavi pouted. He was met with three tired sighs and I said plainly, "Using his first name when he doesn't like it might have something to do with it."

Allen added, "Clinging onto him like a lovesick puppy doesn't help."

Lenalee giggled as the rabbit and bean sprout went at it, and I swiped an uneaten yogurt from Allen's pile of food and tuned them out as I ate. The yogurt smelled too good after all.

"Why are you so tired, though, Lavi?" Lenalee asked concernedly. I looked up from the food.

Lavi shook his head. "I don't know. It's like doing homework for the panda or activating my Innocence for days. I just can't sleep but I'm exhausted."

Lenalee frowned and said, "Maybe my brother has something to fix insomnia?"

Lavi cringed and said, "No offense, Lenalee, but I wouldn't trust anything Komui made to 'fix' insomnia. Or much else, for that matter."

I saw Kanda cross my line of sight again as I ate, holding a tray with steaming soba noodles on it. How on earth could he eat noodles in heat like this?

Sighing and finishing my yogurt I decided a walk would do me some good and so after wishing Lavi luck in finding the hammer and saying goodbye I got up and left the cafeteria. Somehow my walk led me to the training grounds, which were deserted at this late hour. Well, since I was here…

I sorted through the assortment of weapons and gear kept in the enclosure, not up to activating my own Innocence this late at night. Actually I didn't have much of a plan—just get worked up and exhausted enough to put myself into a deep sleep later.

I finally decided on one of the many swords kept in the training arsenal and begin going though a set of exercises—thrust, parry, dive, swing, parry again, stretch; reminding myself to keep the blade steady, watch all sides and angles, be wary of blind spots.

Soon I was working up a good sweat and I could feel the endorphins pumping through my system. It had been some time since I had put myself through a hard workout, and even longer since I'd been alone while training. It was exhilarating.

I put the sword away and decided, hell, I was alone, so why not try something different?

I looked around at the pillars, mentally measuring the distance between the ground and the next level, wondering how far I might be able to go… My Innocence gave me, as a condition, a feeling of weightlessness that allowed me to almost fly. I wondered now how far I could get without it.

Adjusting my gloves (I always wore gloves when training) I took a deep breath and leapt up.

I ran up the pillars, jumping from one to the other as I climbed. This was much harder than I had anticipated, but the rush of air in my ears, the momentary weightlessness combined with a sudden and temporary freefall before my limbs hit concrete again—God, what a rush!

I stood on the balcony on the next level up, staring down at the sand, noting the marks my shoes had left on the stone pillars. I was giddy with relief that I had made it in one piece. Now I needed to get down.

Well, nothing for it. I leapt.

Amazingly I landed on my feet and in one piece, the sudden silence after the rush of air slightly alarming. I smiled—God, this was such an adrenaline rush.

And that's when I finally noticed that I was not alone. I snapped my head in the direction of the training room entrance—and saw one Japanese swordsman staring blankly at me from just inside the doorway.

"How long have you been there?" I said, my smile fading along with the rush.

Kanda's expression turned to a frown as he said, "Since your cheap gymnastics trick with the walls."

_Wow, an actual answer from Mr. Stoic himself._ But my surprise was worn away by my embarrassment.

"You saw that, did you…" I muttered sheepishly.

He didn't answer but walked out onto the grounds. "If you're done…" he began.

I suppose we were both crazy for training in this heat. I knew not to ask. Kanda, being Kanda, would train no matter the conditions—it was simply the person he was—and I myself didn't have anything to say on the matter, as I myself was working out. A little breeze circulated from the doorway, and it brushed against the sweat. I shivered at the cool touch of the wind, and wiped the sweat away from my brow. Meanwhile Kanda had been stretching, totally oblivious to me.

I looked over at Mugen, which Kanda had drawn already, and out of the blue said, "You want a sparring partner?"

He stared at me, the frown flicked with a dubious air.

I shrugged. "I'm not really great, but having some practice can't hurt."

For some moments he said nothing, then sighed and replied, "Do as you want."

_Is it really so hard to say "Okay"?_ But I didn't argue, retrieving the sword from my earlier practice and taking my stance opposite Kanda.

A deep breath, a rush of air, shoes scraping against sand, and our blades clashed.

If there was ever a word to describe Kanda, it would be 'relentless'. From strike one he was serious, each move deliberate and confident, charged with aggression, every blow I blocked felt in my nerves, in my bones. I was blown away by how forceful Kanda was. And this was only training.

But as I said before, Kanda didn't scare me off the battlefield, and he wasn't the only one good in close combat.

I returned his blows with my own, and the sounds of heavy breathing, metal clanging, stomping of limbs on the sand filled the arena like a symphony as I pushed back at Kanda's assault.

Suddenly an unexpected quick movement, a set of unseen hand motions—and my sword flew out of my hands and flew a good couple yards away. The tip of Kanda's blade was at my neck, a triumphant smirk on his face as I stared back at him, surprise and shock etched on my face. My heavy breathing filled the silence, but Kanda's chest was rising and falling minimally as well. A sheen of sweat glistened on his arms.

I dipped down to a crouch and kicked Kanda's legs out, upsetting his balance long enough to twist my way forward and jab his wrist at the pressure point there. Kanda cried out in pain and then rage as I leapt away from him, Mugen in my hands and I flying away atop the pillars, landing on top of the balcony on the level above. I smiled triumphantly down at Kanda, who glared back up, enraged.

"Give Mugen back. Now," he ordered, his tone bordering on unhinged.

"Come get him," I goaded, glancing at the pillars, marking my foot placements. My ascent had been faster and had taken three fewer steps to complete. It was an improvement.

My analysis gave Kanda the seconds he needed to reach the balcony at the next level. He stood directly behind me, close enough for me to feel the heat radiating off his skin and his breath at the back of my neck. I froze, shocked that he'd gotten here so quickly.

The hand that held Mugen was enveloped by his hand, the other on the edge of the balcony, effectively trapping me between stone and samurai.

"Never. Do that again," he ordered huskily in my ear, cold fury etched in every syllable. I was too terrified to move, and yet I still noticed how his voice sounded. His breathing was somewhat heavy. He was more tired than he'd let on.

"Where did you learn to do that?" he asked, his breathing slowing down.

I swallowed hot air and replied, "General Nyne."

"Nyne's not a close-range fighter."

"She still knows her stuff." Was it me, or was Kanda being rather chatty tonight?

"Show me." It wasn't a request; it was an order. He was still angry—I could clearly hear it in his voice—but he was beginning to calm down. Odd. I'd never seen Kanda calm down so quickly before. His breathing slowed, deepened.

"You'll have to let me go," I said, my voice slightly breathless. The evening's training was catching up to me; that was all. It was this damn mysterious heat wave getting to my head.

For some reason his grip on his sword hilt (and therefore my hand) tightened and he replied, "In a minute then."

His warm breath was now brushing my ear and his forehead was resting on my shoulder. My breath hitched involuntarily and I prayed silently that he didn't just hear that.

A low chuckle told me otherwise.

"Something wrong, Andi?" he asked, his voice low in my ear. He had picked his head up again from my shoulder, and I sensed how much closer he was.

"N..no," I said shakily.

The arm entrapping my other side was suddenly on my arm, and I could feel his hand burning my skin. Excruciatingly slow he slid his hand from my arm to my waist, and I felt his chest make contact with my back. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I'm quite sure he could too.

"Kanda…" I said shakily, hating how my voice betrayed me.

"Shh," he murmured quietly, the tip of his nose brushing my ear. His lips brushed against the tip of my ear, and I felt him press his face into my hair, inhaling its scent.

"Full of surprises…" he murmured; I shut my eyes, my breathing slow but strangely heavy. I could no longer pretend that this had to do with training.

The hand that held mine lifted slightly, and my grip on Mugen relaxed as well. It was this hand that moved and found its way to my face, and his fingers lightly traced my lips, his thumb resting and pressing just slightly on my bottom lip. They parted involuntarily and I felt more than heard Kanda say, "Eager, are we…"

The fingers that brushed my lips lightly made their way to my neck, feather-light caresses brushing away loose strands of hair. He bent his head down and lips met sensitive skin.

I bit my lip to stop from crying out; hyperaware as I was at the moment, the whole Order didn't need to know it too.

His lips made their way up my neck, nibbling on my earlobe and stopping on my temple, where he pressed a light kiss and muttered, "You'll have to teach me that little trick later."

"Or what?" I said breathlessly, amazed that I could form any coherent sentence.

He chuckled, sending a wonderful chill up my spine. "I'll find a way to punish you even more." He pulled away suddenly, taking Mugen with him, and walked away toward the dorm rooms, leaving me clinging to the balcony for support.

Well, if this was punishment, then I planned on being a very bad girl indeed.

xoxox

The source of Lavi's missing Innocence, insomniac behavior and the faulty heater turned out to be connected. Apparently it was his Innocence that had caused the heat wave. After mysteriously finding its way into the air vents, the hammer had activated itself. The Fire Seal had done its best to be noticed by one and all after the other seals had failed to garner Lavi's attention. I got a kick out of watching Lavi being chased around by a crazed mob of Finders after they heard the story. Then Komui managed to find a mysterious mixture that put the boy asleep for days, and had the interns at the science department looking for a cure to the concoction. After they woke Lavi up, Bookman had several assignments for him to complete, including a particularly humiliating public apology.

While nearly everyone had a bone (or a skeleton, in Bookman's case) to pick with Lavi, I personally didn't mind. The impromptu heat wave had unintentionally led to a few consequences I couldn't help but enjoy.

* * *

I realized something after I finished writing this and going over to edit. Had anyone in the actual story pulled the stunt that my OC did, he or she would have brutally murdered by Kanda. Or at least not be able to walk for some time after. But, author's privilege to make non-canon plot and provide OOC-ness. Not to mention, I think that even Kanda has enough sense sometimes to know when to fight and when to use other methods as a means to an end (though judging by the latest chapters, you wouldn't really know it).

For anyone who's guessed, here's confirmation: This isn't serious. Kanda's playing with the poor girl's mind. Cause he can do that. Admittedly I'm probably making the guy out to be more clever than he really is, but more clever=more fun. For you and for me.

I hoped you enjoyed it, nonetheless.


	2. Chapter 2

I hadn't seen or spoken much to Kanda since the A/C incident months before. In a mix of what could and couldn't be helped, we each had missions and other concerns that separated us. On the one or two occasions I passed him in the halls or saw him in the cafeteria, he ignored me completely. Then again, he ignored everyone—why should I be any different? And despite the wonderful surge of emotion I'd felt at our last encounter, I'd come to accept that it hadn't been the same for him.

The knock at my door one evening came as something of a surprise.

"Just a sec," I said. I put down my reading and padded across the room to door. Once I opened it though a rush of air brushed past me and I turned to watch our resident Japanese swordsman pace my room, Mugen out but sheathed. He was agitated.

"Okay, Kanda, come on in," I muttered, still standing by the open door.

"Che," he muttered back.

"Eloquent as usual I see. What's bothering you?"

But he didn't say anything except, "Close the door."

"Put down the sword first, you're making me nervous."

"Oh," he replied, and stopped his pacing and carefully placed Mugen down on the borough. "Sorry."

Wait—an apology? Responding to a request? Holy cow, something _was _wrong.

Frowning and a tiny bit concerned I shut the door behind me with a click. Turning back around, I saw the swordsman standing in the middle of the room, stiff. Silence fell, neither of us sure what to do next.

"Um…why don't you sit down?"

Strangely again he complied. The usual scowl was there but he sat on the edge of the bed and glowered at the floor. Concerned I strode carefully over to him and settled a safe distance away on my bed, staring, wondering what exactly was going on.

The silence stretched. Kanda continued to stare down the floor as if it had done some great injustice to him, and I looked at Kanda. I wanted to pick up my book and pretend he wasn't there, but his actions worried me more than I'd care to admit.

Finally, after what seemed a ridiculously long time he said in a small, gruff voice, "Can I stay with you tonight?"

My jaw dropped and eyes widened.

Carefully I reached over and let the tips of my fingers touch his shoulder. "Kanda…are you alright?"

Something about that light touch set him off and suddenly he turned and grabbed both my arms and pushed me down so that he was hovering over me, his body caging mine. The look in his eyes was intense and downright frightening.

"Kanda!" I snapped sharply.

He blinked and just as quickly calmed down—the storm had passed as quickly as it came. He let out a deep sigh, the air from his mouth pushing away fallen strands of long dark hair from his face. His grip loosened and then he just collapsed.

He lay heavily on top of me, hair loose and fanned out over his back, his face buried beside my shoulder. I turned to face him and managed to move my arm to touch the back of his head.

"Kanda…" But I didn't know what to say. He stirred and turned his face toward mine. All I could see were dark, piercing eyes staring into mine. Eyes that had never appeared so desolate and lonely.

And in the smallest and saddest of voices I'd ever heard:

"Please."

Arms wrapped around me and squeezed tightly; his face disappeared into the crook of my neck. I could feel him breathing in two places, and warmth encompassed my form. For a small span of time he just held me. I reached up and put one arm around his shoulder, the other hand touching his head, petting his hair gently. His hair didn't just look silky—it was soft to the touch, falling through my fingers like the finest fabric, or rippling water.

What was going on? But there wasn't really a reason to think. He needed someone right now. It was as simple as that.

He puffed a blast of hot air on my neck and pulled the both of us up, so that we sat up facing one another on the bed.

Clothes disappeared onto the floor. We shifted again, skin to skin.

Lips pressed themselves into my neck, moving up to my ear and down toward my jaw line. Moved back down, brushing softly to settle on my collarbone.

Hands brushed over every inch of skin, gently. Sensation of hot and cold, the only sounds heavy breathing, panting, and the creak of the mattress. Fingers working magic. Calluses created friction on smooth skin, inside and outside. A curtain of dark hair blocking all other distraction, mingling with mine until there was no distinguishing line between them. Moving together until there was no distinguishing line between us.

Fast.

Slow.

Heat.

Pain.

Pleasure.

xox

Afterward we lay still among the ruffled bed sheets, both of us layered in dried sweat and pure exhaustion. I was playing with some strands of his hair while his head rested on my stomach. His arms lay under me and his hands laced together under my back.

"Why didn't your usual solutions work out?"

He didn't reply. A shot of warm breath crossed my naval. I tried again.

"Talking with Lenalee didn't work?"

"I couldn't go to Lenalee for this," he said.

It was confirmed then that I would never be that precious to him. I wasn't worthy of the role of comforter and confidant. I would be a different kind of comfort.

Disappointment welled up, unbidden, inside of me. I felt his fingers move under my back, caressing small circles. Rough hands, callused. Echoes of sensation sounded from my most recent memory.

"You won't tell me what's going on…will you." It wasn't a question. He didn't need to confirm it with words.

Bitterness welled up inside of me and I could feel my eyes burning, my throat closing up. I bit my lip. Below Kanda had turned and was moving.

My eyes shut and I bit down on my lip, but the tears spilled anyway. Warm, soft, beautiful lips pushed them away and a hand wiped those that escaped down my cheek. And then he settled himself so that his mouth was at my ear and his arms around me, and he said in the smallest and saddest of voices,

"I'm sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

If you, Reader, feel that this story has taken a complete 180 turn from the first chapter, than you would be right. I do hope you'll stick around to see whether it comes full circle again.

_To KarieYukiUzumaki:_ Because my PM feature is malfunctioning, to answer your question: Yes, he took advantage of her. But the rest of your question will be answered as the story comes-I know that's not really helpful but I do appreciate you asking. And thank you for reading!

* * *

I lost myself in work.

What more could I do? Any Akuma who crossed my path was dealt a quick and brutal demise. All my missions were solo—just me and a Finder. Heck, if I'd crossed paths with a Noah, I might have stood a chance. Or at least would last for some time.

But what fueled me wasn't merely anger. I was enraged—with myself, with him, with how stupid it was. And along with hatred was the deepest sense of worthlessness and disgust.

I avoided any place where I might see him. I never left the baths feeling clean, and I never looked in the mirror anymore. I didn't want to see myself and any reminders of what an idiot I was. Some time had passed; I slept at the desk, unable to face the bed and the memories it inspired.

Always I wondered in the corner of my mind what had motivated such a stupid act. And I had no answers.

xox

"Andi?"

I looked up at one of the Science department staff. "Supervisor Komui called you to his office."

I stood up from the table and muttered thanks before taking my food to the garbage disposal. I arrived at the supervisor's office, but when I knocked no one answered. I entered anyway, knowing the sister-complex would be back soon, and swam through a massive pile of papers to the couch in front of his desk, which was still miraculously empty of clutter. Settling myself down I waited for him to get back.

It was wonderfully quiet here. The only sounds were the soft wing beats of golems floating above, watching over the office. I lay my head back and shut my eyes, and stared at the warm red through my eyelids.

The door clicked opened.

"Ah, Andi, good, you're already here," said Komui's voice and I sat up and turned to greet him. Behind him followed Lenalee, who smiled gently and said, "Hello Andi, how are you today?"

"I'm alright," I replied. I stood and cleared some space on the desk where Lenalee set down a coffee mug and small pot. Komui raised the mug as he settled himself behind his desk and took a long sip before setting it down and leafing through a pile of files and dossiers. He fished two sets of papers and handed one each to Lenalee and I.

"Your next mission is in a small town near Nice, France. There have been several reports of Akuma sightings. The town just went through an isolated epidemic, some form of pox." He didn't need to say why so many Akuma had popped up in the region.

"Then there's nothing to worry about," Lenalee replied, patting his big brother on the shoulder. He frowned but patted her head good-naturedly and sent us off.

xox

The trip to Nice would take two days, where we were meeting with one of the Finders in the area. Once we arrived at Nice, it would be another three hours to reach the village where the Akuma were sighted. In short, we had a lot of time on our hands to do nothing.

That first night we settled at a small inn in the French countryside—cheap, out of the way, the owners not likely to bother us with questions.

It had been a long journey and neither of us spoke for some time, exhausted and wanting to sleep. Lenalee took the first watch and I was able to drop into blissful sleep. No dreams, unlike recently. Lenalee woke me two hours later.

"Ugh?" I muttered, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

Lenalee sat on the other bed and removed her jacket. "Get up, it's your turn."

"I know, I know," I said, rising and stretching. "Sometimes I forget how tired I really am."

"It was a long ride," Lenalee commented. I grabbed my coat from the end of the bed and put it on. The room had chilled considerably.

"You were muttering in your sleep," she said softly. I glanced over the Chinese girl.

"About what?"

"Nothing specific…you were mostly mumbling, but you sounded upset."

"Just the usual stress. My mom told me I used to talk in my sleep a lot as a kid."

Lenalee pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around her shins. "Yeah?"

I nodded, sitting down by the window. "Yeah. Before she died she would come to read to me before bed and whenever I had nightmares or trouble sleeping she'd always make me something to drink and sing me to sleep."

"It sounds wonderful," Lenalee said softly, smiling gently and sadly at me.

I nodded, swallowing. "Hmm." I looked up at her. "What do you remember about your parents?"

Lenalee dropped her head to the side and looked at the floor. "Nii-san raised me, all on his own. He used to do things like that too—comfort me when I couldn't sleep. It as one of the hardest things about coming to the Order—when he wasn't there to wish away my fears, I was devoured by them." She glanced up then. "Now I'm glad to be by his side. That he's there is the best thing about coming home. It's him who makes the Order home. I mean, I love Allen and Miranda and Kanda and everyone, but its Nii-san…" her voice faded. I didn't see the look on her face because I was staring out the window, schooling my expression. I was glad it a dark night and the lamp was on low. She couldn't see how my face was fighting to remain calm. It hadn't slipped past me that she'd somewhat avoided my question. I let it slide.

I realized the silence was dragging. "It must be nice to have family here."

"You have family at the Order too, though, right?"

I looked at her. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "You're friends with half the Science Department and a good number of the Finders. You get along well with most of the Exorcists you've met too, if I'm not mistaken."

I sighed, looking at the floor. "It's not the same," I said softly. She didn't reply, but she understood. All Exorcists understood. All the people in the Order separated from family and loved ones…

"You must have someone you…come home to," she said.

I glanced up sharply at her and shrunk back at the coy expression on her face. "What are you talking about?" I said hesitantly, dread gurgling in the pit of my stomach.

"I just always wondered if there was someone here you cared about more than others. That's all," she replied innocently.

"Like…a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, a boyfriend, a lover, just a close friend to confide it."

I looked out the window, turning slightly so that all she could see was the back of my head and my shoulder. "No one," I said quietly. "Not like that, anyway."

The silence stretched again. And I really, really needed to get off this topic. I turned quickly to her and put on my best impression of a coy look and said, "What about you? How is Allen these days, anyway?"

Lenalee blushed and muttered something indiscernible. Mission accomplished: she was distracted.

xox

How we managed a peaceful night's rest was beyond me. No complaints, though: we made our train with time to spare and the ride to Nice was uneventful. We both caught a little more sleep before arriving at our stop.

Lenalee woke me and I followed her tiredly to the platform, where our Finder was waiting, shuffling nervously back and forth from one foot to the next.

"Hi, I'm Daniel, how was the trip?" he said, smiling.

"It was good," Lenalee answered brightly. "I'm Lenalee Lee, and this is—"

"Andi Wood," I said, smiling weakly at the boy. He wasn't much older than I was; maybe a year's difference. He must have been new; I didn't recognize him.

"The inn's this way. We can set out in an hour and get to the town just after dark. If that's alright with you?"

"It's fine," Lenalee said. "The sooner we get there, the sooner we can go home, right?"

Lenalee's general friendliness seemed to put at ease Daniel's fears and he was lively and chatty in the carriage. I ignored them, choosing to look out the window at the view. It was odd: normally I'd be the one engaging the conversation.

Daniel's prediction was right on the mark: we arrived just after the first stars lit up in the night sky and went to the inn where the other Finder we were meeting was staying. The rooms had already been reserved as well, so all we had to do was walk in and give our names.

The blissful night before seemed a dream just an hour later.

"When will this let up?" cried Ian, the other Finder. He was hiding behind a brick wall, trying to hurriedly fix his talisman while Lenalee and I held off the onslaught of Akuma. Daniel was doing his part but the numbers were overwhelming.

Part of the reason Lenalee and I were placed together on missions was because both of us had the advantage of being able to take to the air. Lenalee was dancing to her own tune in her made-for-kick-ass Dark Boots while I was slashing and diving with a very long steel staff, a javelin, using my weightlessness (a handy little trick to the Innocence) to remain on my toes. The spear end of the staff caught the moonlight and reflected the flash of Akuma bullets being discharged.

Daniel froze up another Level 1 and I brought it down, landing atop the roof of a building surrounding the square where were fighting.

"Ian, is it fixed yet?" I screamed down at him.

"Almost—GOT IT!"

With Ian helping things got a smudge easier. The fatigue was getting to us and Lenalee and I retreated to an abandoned alleyway in an attempt for a quick breather.

"Why are there so many?" I snapped, clinging low to the wall so as not to be seen.

"I don't know," Lenalee said, panting, her boots glowing. She turned her attention to a hovering golem. "How many more we got, Dan?"

The newbie Finder buzzed over, "I see maybe twenty. It's just a guess."

I nodded and Lenalee replied, "See what you can do to trap as many as possible."

"Will do," he replied and the connection was cut. I glanced at Lenalee, and she nodded, her face set and determined.

Without a word we escaped our hiding spot and started all over again.

xox

The sky was slowly paling into a warm yellow. Rays of light frosted the tops of buildings with a sprinkling of glitter, softening the rubble and destruction all around us. Smoke still rose from several spots where Akuma bullets had landed, and in the middle of it were two girls, sitting on the ground, back to back, nearly asleep. Both were covered in a fine layer of dust and grime and sweat, and blood. One girl in particular had a hand resting in the center of a solid, thin black pole, with a sharp silver point on the end. Normally it brightly reflected the sunlight, but the layer of dust and grime and blood covered it.

I felt very outside myself as Lenalee and I watched the sun rise.

"We should get going," the Chinese girl said softly. I nodded and we both slowly and stiffly got to our feet. It had been an endless night and there was nothing more in the world either of us wanted but to get to bed and sleep for the next twelve hours. But we had to get out of town and pay the fee at the inn. Lenalee asked Ian to make a quick report to Headquarters and both of fell asleep on a cart the group hitched to get back to Nice.

xox

We arrived at Nice around noon and managed to catch a train shortly after lunch. The two Finders took a separate compartment, leaving Lenalee and I alone in our compartment.

There was no talking. Both of us asked for blankets from the staff and fell promptly to sleep.

I had nightmares.

Though not what one would think I'd have nightmares about: the Akuma and the Earl and my imminent death were not the subjects of today's terrors, as they normally would have been.

Instead I dreamed of a certain Exorcist whose voice and face and actions had haunted me for weeks on end. Bitterness and shame consumed the me inside the dream and the me who awoke felt only the intensity of those horrible emotions strengthen.

This time I awoke crying. And immediately looked into the worried face of a Chinese girl who I never wanted to know about this.

She held out a handkerchief and sat me up, rearranging the blanket in my lap around my shoulders.

In a soft but firm voice she commanded, "Talk to me."

* * *

This seems a rather useless chapter, and in a way it is. But I needed a calm intermission before the storm, and also felt that it needs to be clear that Andi is still an Exorcist and works like anyone else. Also...character development? I'd love to say that but she's not really developing at all... Anyhow. First and last time I'll do this: please send feedback on what could be improved. Suggestions are always welcome. And please sign in for leaving of said feedback-the PM feature isn't working for some reason and the only way I can message anyone to answer questions is if you leave a signed review or PM me first. Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4

I stared at her for a moment before looking away and wiping the tears away quickly.

"I have nothing to talk about. I had a nightmare."

"Andi."

I grit my teeth, hating the soft, understanding voice she was using so much—and wishing the tears would go away.

"I have nothing to talk about," I said again, using the handkerchief she'd given me to wipe my eyes again, sniffling a little. I adjusted the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

"Andi, look at me."

I glanced at the girl—still dirty with the previous night's battle, look at me tenderly and sadly, leaning forward slightly, hands clasped in front of her, all her focus on me. I looked away again. I couldn't hold her gaze.

"You thought no one would notice?"

I didn't say anything and waited for what she was going to say, regardless of whether I wanted to hear it. As a distraction I looked out the window at the rolling green pastures and hills and forests, listening to the train moving, moving with the train as the tracks carried us north. The sky was a bright blue. Wisps of cloud crossed it and trees swayed in a strong wind.

Lenalee sighed deeply in front of me but I couldn't look at her.

"Did something happen? You can talk to me."

I wiped my face, willing the tears to remain inside. My throat constricted and I had to swallow a few times. "What do you want me to say?" I said calmly.

"I want you to tell me why these past few weeks you've turned into a different person."

"I don't know what you're—"

"You suck at avoiding questions," she snapped coldly, and now I looked fully at her. She was glaring at me. I simply stared back, shocked. I'd never seen anything close to a harsh expression on her face—this terminally sweet girl, who never even gave her peeving brother more than an ever-suffering look at his obsessive behavior. She never even raised her voice.

And now she was glaring openly at me, and I couldn't utter a sound. I couldn't even look away, as much as I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. I pulled the blanket more tightly around my shoulders.

She closed her eyes and backed away, released another deep sigh. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that," she said apologetically. "But I hate that you don't trust me enough to tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you."

I stared at my feet, ashamed. In a small voice I replied, "It's not that I don't trust you. It's…" I stopped because I was afraid of telling exactly what it was that was holding me back. And then I swallowed my pride because it wasn't even my own anymore. I couldn't even look at her.

"I'm still trying to figure things out for myself. I'm still trying to put my own pieces together. And I don't want to bog anyone down with it. It's selfish of me—we're in the middle of this big, secret war and there's no one who will remember any of it and I'm sitting here worried about my problems and wallowing in my own self-pity…" My voice cracked. Lenalee sat in silence, waiting for me to finish.

And so I told her. No unnecessary details, no hyperbolic description or emotion. And when I was done Lenalee sat in silence, her mouth covered and her eyes wide as she processed the story. She didn't know what to say. And I didn't expect her to.

I stared back out the window as the train flew by more fields and small towns that didn't have tracks running through them. That was the advantage of an express train: it cut the trip down by almost half. The sooner this trip was over, the better. I wanted out of the compartment and away from anyone for the next few hours while I pulled myself back together. Remembering and retelling only made the pain sharper and I didn't want a witness while I tried to stop feeling again.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

I looked up at her and shook my head. "Thanks for the offer, but I don't think so. I'm just trying to figure things out." In the nicest way I could think of, I was telling her to drop the subject.

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

Did I have to answer this question? Wasn't it obvious? She already knew the answer too, and instead continued, "You should talk to him."

"What could I say? What the hell could he tell me that I don't already know?" I failed to keep the bitterness from my voice. She didn't respond for some moments, thoughtfully looking back at me, her face guarded as she mulled over her next words.

"Did you ever consider that maybe he's feeling pain too?"

I was shocked. The nerve of this girl! "What the hell, Lenalee?" I snapped. "He took advantage of me! He got exactly what he wanted and that's all there was to it! And I'm an idiot—you—how—" I continued to sputter on my words, furious and ashamed all over again. Mostly furious.

"I understand what you're saying—"

"How could you?" I snapped coldly, cutting her off. I was on my feet now, the blanket forgotten as it lay discarded on the floor. My voice was rising in volume and at the moment I could not care less. "How could you possibly understand what that feels like, to know that you're only wanted for one thing, and when you're no longer needed that you'll be thrown away without thought?"

I wanted her to retaliate, to scream back at me and help me let loose more of my pent-up frustration. And when she didn't I was even madder than before. Instead she looked sad and pained and on the verge of tears, but not because I was yelling at her. She pitied me and I grit my teeth in response, still on my feet, fists clenched and hovering above her, not knowing what to do with myself anymore. Why did she look so sympathetic?

"Andi, step back a moment and think." She held up a hand and placed it on my arm, guiding me back down. I missed the seat and rested on my knees so that now I had to look up at her.

"I'm not trying to minimize your pain. And though I don't understand exactly what you've been through, I do understand the 'used' feeling you have." She paused a moment, gathering her thoughts, letting her words sink it. "And I know Kanda. He would never do that—he seems like he doesn't care about anyone, but that just isn't true. I can't say I know what's going through his head, but he just isn't the type of person to _truly _throw someone away. I think if you ask him about it and talk it out than things will work themselves out."

I stared at her knees. Tiny white scars covered them, barely visible on her pale skin. The result of years of battles.

"He's not exactly chatty," I muttered softly.

She must have smiled because I could hear it a little in her voice. "No, but you aren't really open either." I glanced up at her and she was looking back, her face soft and sad. "If anything, get answers for you. And then come back and be the girl you used to be. I miss you."

Uncertain, I replied, "I don't know, Lenalee..."

"Do small things. Smile again. Crack jokes. Talk to me again whenever you feel down. And talk to him."

I swallowed and nodded, because I didn't know how to tell her…

I wasn't ready to talk to him yet, because I was so afraid of seeing his face and reliving the memories while he stood in front of me, able to see the expression on my face. And I didn't want to see his either. I was afraid of both possible reactions.

That he'd dismiss me upon sight.

Or, that he'd look away in shame.

Lenalee held up a hand and helped me to my feet.

"I'm hungry, how about you?" she said, smiling cheerily in an attempt to cheer me up. I nodded and she left to get some food. I was glad she was gone. I needed a moment alone.

Again I watched the fields and the green trees and blue sky and flocks of birds, remembering that out there was a world full of its own problems, so much bigger than mine. And while that wasn't actually a comfort at all, it was placing things in perspective. I needed that; Lenalee had given that to me.

I didn't get how a girl two years younger than I seemed to understand so much more than I did. For this, I envied her, just a little.

I took out my Innocence. When activated it was a long, heavy iron rod with the sharp end of a javelin. Now it was just a small rosary chain that fit comfortably into the palm of my hand and was no heavier than a key. Holding that gave me solace and I glanced out the window.

The reflection had a shadow of a smile on her face. It was a reflection that did not fear the original at all.

There was a knock at the door. Sighing I stood and said cheerily, "Gee, Lenalee, did you get so much food you can't even open the door?"

It wasn't Lenalee.

"We'll be arriving at the station shortly," Daniel the Finder said as both of us stood on opposite ends of the doorway. I nodded, slightly disappointed that Lenalee wasn't back yet, and hoping he didn't just hear our conversation.

* * *

Got ya. :)

Sorry for the late update. I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless. I'm not certain on the next one, but it's already partly written so I will try to update when I'm satisfied with the result. Also, Kanda will come back. Soon. I'm very willing to answer any questions. :)


	5. Chapter 5

Fate is cruel.

We arrived in the northernmost point that the train would take up and stepped onto the platform of the station. People saw our black uniforms and spread apart, clearing a path for us to walk. Most the passersby couldn't know who we were, but something about us did not look normal. Being covered in dirt and blood affects people like that.

The first thing Lenalee and I did was look for a washroom. There was nothing we could do about the uniforms right now, but washing my face and dunking my head in water, letting it rinse, still felt amazing and I was refreshed walking out of the washroom. I wore my Innocence loosely on my wrist and took off the jacket; it was a warm day. My shirt underneath was passably clean. I could get a change of clothes later.

Dan, the Finder we'd met in Nice, walked over. "There's a message for you from Supervisor Komui."

I followed him to the service phone at the station, over which hovered a golem batting its little black wings. I picked up the receiver and spoke. "Afternoon, Supervisor."

"Good afternoon, Andi," he replied pleasantly. "I talked with Lenalee already, but how was the mission?"

I laughed a little into the phone. "I'll be glad to sleep in my own bed again."

He sighed into the phone and my spirits dropped. Oh, great.

"That's going to have to wait, unfortunately. I'm sending you onto your next assignment."

I closed my eyes a moment, processing and then willing away the frustration. "Alright…where to, Cap'n?" I asked cheekily.

"You'll stay where you are for now. Kanda will come to meet you and then you'll both head out to Bulgaria."

The phone felt heavy in my hand; weight dropped in my stomach and for a moment I couldn't speak. "What?"

"Kanda's bringing the mission details with him, but to be brief—"

"—Why am I teaming up with Kanda?" I snapped.

There was a pause over the phone, and I realized a moment too late how tense I'd sounded just a moment before.

"Is there a particular problem you have with working with Kanda?"

Thoughts rushed by as I panicked, before finally spitting out, "He prefers solo missions, right? He'd probably be able to handle it on his own."

The supervisor didn't reply and I could almost hear the cogs turning on the other end of the phone. His voice became serious yet comforting as he replied, "If there's a specific reason why you don't want to work with Kanda, I'd hope you would tell me."

I panicked again and had to put the phone away from my face. I glanced around the station, as if that would give me answers. But there were no answers. I put the receiver back to my mouth.

"Nothing in particular," I replied, defeated. "I'll wait here. Which Finder is accompanying us?"

"Daniel. You will meet a team in Bulgaria." Komui paused again over the phone, like he wanted to ask something, but then continued, "You'll be able to come home after this one's over. Good luck and be safe."

I nodded and then replied, "I'll try, thanks. See you later, Komui," I added in as cheery a voice as I could manage before hanging up.

I walked back over to Lenalee and Ian to wish them a safe journey back home.

Like I said, fate is cruel.

xox

Honestly…karma is coming to bite me in the butt for all the little indiscretions in my life.

Daniel and I spoke for a little while, him doing most of the talking. I asked him if he'd ever been to Eastern Europe—and it turned out that, like me, this was his first trip. But our conversation and speculation on what that part of the world was like dwindled away quickly and we were left with an awkward, heavy silence. I pretended not to notice, deciding to people-watch as a distraction.

Of course, I say that, but it's never a good idea to be distracted in my line of work. As much as I was watching normal people go by with their normal everyday duties, I was watching out for Akuma and pickpockets too.

Daniel called me and I looked over at him. "What?" I asked.

He was scratching the back of his neck, his bristly brown crew cut slightly greasy from a night of hard work. He looked nervous. Again I asked, "What?"

He didn't quite meet my gaze. A bad feeling began to pull in my stomach and I began to wonder—

"Did you think I did a good job yesterday?"

I barely contained my relief and nodded, smiling slightly as a sign of encouragement. "You're very calm in the field—a good quality to have in a Finder."

He sheepishly nodded and offered up a small smile. His shoulders relaxed; he stopped scratching his head.

"Was that your first mission?" I asked, suddenly curious.

He nodded. "First time out of the Order since joining."

I was surprised. But it explained why I'd never seen him before.

"I was really scared," he continued. "I couldn't really think at all—nothing except 'I don't wanna die'."

"I understand," I said softly. "I think that all the time."

He paused a moment. "How do you do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You Exorcists. How can you just swallow all the fear and work?"

I leaned back in my seat, stretching my legs away from the bench. Few people were around, which was probably why Daniel was asking all the questions.

"I don't forget the fear," I replied finally. "But it's what I have to do. If I didn't fight the Akuma, then they would kill me and steal my Innocence. And it's no point running from the Order and avoiding it just because you want to live peacefully." I stretched again, standing. "I don't even know what I would be doing if I wasn't an Exorcist." Daniel and I stared at one another a moment, I looking into soft brown eyes that were attentive and curious.

"I think that if I wasn't afraid, I'd have died a long time ago."

The sun peaked out from some clouds, illuminated the edge of the platform. A horn in the far distance blew; the next train was coming in soon. My stomach rolled a moment in dread and I shook my head and looked back over at Daniel. "Can't say that I speak for all Exorcists, though," I concluded lightly.

Daniel nodded. "We got quite the rumor mill within the Finders, and some of the stuff we hear about you Exorcists…" He shook his head with a grin and let the sentence hang.

I laughed, the images of Lavi and Allen popping into my head. "Like what?"

"That that new guy, Krory, he's a vampire."

I laughed. "No way! I mean, alright, yes, he sucks Akuma blood, but would never hurt a fly otherwise!" I'd met the Romanian only once since he had arrived at the Order, but besides being a little...strange, he was alright. He reminded me intensely of a lost puppy, only with very large teeth.

Daniel's face lit up in excitement. "And what about Lenalee? I heard she was really sweet and all but I didn't think…"

I narrowed my eyes at the faint flush on the young Finder's face. "You've got a crush on her, haven't you?"

"No!" he denied vehemently. "No way! Supervisor would skin me alive!"

I would have laughed…if it only weren't true. But the flush didn't leave and I teased him for a little longer about Lenalee. For some minutes I felt as close to my old self as I'd ever been. It felt good.

After a while I got curious.

"So…what do the rumors say about me?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows in a mock-probing manner and staring down at him. He cringed slightly.

"Come on!" I insisted. "I want to hear what wonderful things you're all saying behind my back!"

But Daniel continued to look more and more uncomfortable, and my own mirth died away. Maybe I shouldn't have brought up the subject at all.

"What?" I asked, sobered.

"It's just that…" Daniel's voice died in his throat as he looked at me.

Dread swept into my stomach. God, did they know? Or did they think something even worse?

"Daniel, tell me," I said.

The horn from the train blew again, much closer this time. I could hear the faint rumbling of the tracks. The train was here. But that wasn't important at the moment.

"Daniel, what do you guys say about me? I would like to know."

"It's not important," he said quietly.

"Maybe not to you," I replied, my voice harsher than I'd intended.

"Really," he insisted.

I was fed up with the dodging already. "Come on, if it wasn't actually a big deal, you'd tell me. So spill."

After a moment's reluctance he opened his mouth to speak.

His voice was drowned out by another blast of the train's horn and the metal behemoth rolled to a shuddering stop at the platform, pistons sounding and the rumble of the tracks covering Daniel's softened voice.

"What?" I shouted, though he was only a foot away.

"The train's here," he said loudly, coming to his feet. "We should meet Kanda and Dinev."

I huffed in frustration and gave up. Anyway, I'd get it out of him later, when there were no distractions and obnoxiously well-timed locomotives pulling up. Besides, the weight of his simple announcement hit me.

It wasn't the first time I'd seen Kanda since that night. But it would be the first time I'd be face-to-face with him again. And no amount of pep-talks from Lenalee or anyone else was helping the dread I felt.

I reached over and clenched my right hand over my left wrist, where the rosary was wrapped thrice around my wrist, and a small metal cross was sticking into my palm. Feeling the smooth beads calmed me. Knowing that I wasn't powerless soothed the dread, though it did not disappear.

I adjusted my coat and turned around, going to meet Daniel and our new teammates.

"Oh, there she is," Daniel said. I smiled as I approached the group, hoping the expression looked natural.

"Sorry about the delay," I said to the three. I held out my hand to the tanned Finder before me. "I'm Andi Wood, it's nice to meet you, …?"

"Andrei Dinev," the Finder replied, shaking my hand briefly. "A pleasure." He handed a dossier each to Daniel and I and began, "Komui gave you the basic overview of the mission, right?"

We nodded. "We already set up the tickets; the next train arrives in half an hour," Daniel reported.

Andrei nodded. "Good, I'm exhausted. It was a long ride."

Daniel took up the chance to pull Andrei aside to talk and grab a snack, leaving Kanda and I standing together. The conductor was doing a last call for passengers, so the platform was almost completely deserted.

Silence stood between us like a wall. If the situation were normal, if nothing had happened, the situation would probably be the exact same. But the heaviness wouldn't hang, and Kanda might have walked off by now to find a seat, and I would have followed, probably talking a bit to fill the silence.

I didn't really look at his face, but his shoulder.

"How are you?" I finally said.

He didn't reply. His shoulder moved and brushed past me, not actually touching, and I heard his famous dismissal: "Che."

* * *

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and alerted this story.


	6. Chapter 6

_Last time:_

I didn't really look at his face, but his shoulder.

"How are you?" I finally said.

He didn't reply. His shoulder moved and brushed past me, not actually touching, and I heard his famous dismissal: "Che."

xoxox

"Well, that went swimmingly."

I didn't actually realize I'd spoken aloud until the scuff of footsteps on wood ceased. I glanced back behind me, and saw Kanda standing, staring back at me, his expression cold, but otherwise unreadable. He then shook his head as he turned away again; pushing away whatever thoughts he'd been having at that moment.

I watched his back and didn't call for him. What would I say? Wasn't it pretty clear now how he felt about things?

No; who was I fooling? Nothing was settled because _nothing had changed_.

_Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Way to open your big mouth and isolate yourself from the problem even more. Good job, O smart one. _

(I really needed to pull my sarcastic side under control or I would end up digging an even deeper grave for myself.) _  
_

I sighed, giving up for the moment, and followed him to the benches, seating myself on the bench beside his. No one spoke. When Andrei and Dan came back, they noticed nothing unusual. Kanda was well-known for being taciturn and I suppose they assumed I was tired from my last mission, which was true. Andrei sat in the bench by Kanda, who slid over away from him a little. Classic anti-Finder attitude. Ugh.

Dan sat beside me and handed me a sandwich.

"Thought you might be hungry," he said simply, and I thanked him before diving in.

Three of us began talking: Andrei and Dan relayed the details of the mission and answered my questions, and then we began a round of small talk, mostly me asking questions about where everyone was from, how they'd joined the Order, family stories. Andrei and Dan did most of the talking while I listened. It was the usual routine and very comfortable. I forgot Kanda was even there, something I only realized later.

The train arrived just a few minutes behind schedule and the ride was uneventful and calm. Bulgaria was beautiful countryside. Lots of mountains and gorgeous green forest; it was springtime, the new green growth coming in, flowers blooming in the fields. More impressive, however, was the city of Sofia, the capitol. I'd never seen such beautiful architecture, at least in the nicer parts of town, and wished I wasn't here to work. Site-seeing was definitely on the to-do list once the mission was over.

If, of course, Mr. Grumpy-Pants could loosen up a little and things during the mission went smoothly. We already had a problem: the team we were supposed to meet in Sofia had gotten caught up in something in Greece and would be late in arriving.

We found an inn at the outskirts of the city, had Andrei settle the room negotiations with the innkeeper and finally settled to sleep. It was really only a cat nap; Akuma attacks were typically at night, so the Finders were on watch duty while Kanda and I got a little rest.

The room had two beds. We didn't bother to undress, only remove our shoes. The creaking of the floorboards and mattress springs were the only sounds. And I was exhausted. The fact, however, that Kanda was there, in the same room, was unnerving.

I didn't sleep a wink.

I stared at the low ceiling, light peaking in from the drawn, dark curtains. Sunset. Dust floated inside the thin beam of warm light, dancing specks that glowed with a strange life, to a tune heard by no one. To a slow beat, jumpy, unmetered, and unpredictable. My breath slowed until all I heard was the air circulating slowly in the room, my own breath leaving and entering my lungs, and an unnatural stillness from the other end of the room.

He wasn't sleeping either.

xoxox

Two hours later all hell broke loose.

It was a cloudy night on the new moon. The only illumination was the discharge of bullets and talismans; Kanda's insects glowed eerily as they charged Akuma after Akuma. The few streetlamps were quickly demolished, leaving the world in shades of grey shadows. Curtains of the other homes were drawn tightly; how anyone could sleep through this was beyond me.

We moved out of the streets as quickly as we could, forcing the Akuma to chase us outside the city. It was easier to fight here; more space, less chances of a bystander getting involved. But also, less chance of escaping into confusing alleyways to buy time. The strain of the last few nights' work had caught up to me and I was beginning to slow down, just barely avoiding bullets and falling debris. Thankfully there were no advanced Akuma here, but the sheer number of Level Ones was overwhelming.

I gripped my staff a moment, glancing at the blade tipping the end. It was dark and gritty with blood and dirt and metal debris from slain Akuma. As a reminder of my duty, there was no equal. Taking a deep breath I dove back into the fray.

This was a mistake.

"Watch out!" cried a voice behind me, and I turned to see down the barrel of a demon's gun, not even a moment to comprehend the meaning before something shoved me down and out of the line of fire as the bullets discharged. It glanced up to be blinded with light as the Akuma exploded, and a wave of black hair disappeared back into darkness.

I'd thank him later. Rising to my feet I got started again.

The battle lasted another two hours and all was silent as the dead of night approached. A bell tolled loudly in the sudden silence; midnight. Was it really already that time? How long had we been fighting? My muscles were sore and I felt dull pains all over my body that by morning would become bruises.

After wiping the blade clean I found Dan and Andrei, both fussing over the talismans for damage and making patch repairs. Kanda stood some distance away. Neither of us deactivated our Innocence. No words were spoken; everyone was still on guard. The night was only beginning.

I stabbed the blade-end of my Innocence into the ground and fixed my hair, pulling the strands back so nothing obstructed my view and tying it back. I was glancing around avidly, jumpy with the prospect of a sudden assault. Black eyes passed my field of vision. They were cold, but at this moment I knew the coldness wasn't directed at me.

I took hold of my staff and pulled it from the ground, then glanced back at Kanda. He held my gaze a moment before I (rather stiffly) said, "Thanks for earlier."

He didn't say anything, but just looked away, disregarding the comment altogether. In normal circumstances I would have allowed bygones to be bygones and all that, but things weren't normal and I couldn't stop my mind taking that small motion further to heart.

I turned away from him, my mind flitting into a jumbled, confused mess. I glanced around for a distraction. That's when I saw Andrei and Dan looking up at each other, silently communicating something I could only guess at. Dan saw me and his expression shifted into something less suspicious.

I decided to go along with the charade for the moment—I'd weasel it out of him later, when certain others wouldn't be around to complicate matters.

xoxox

Another day passed on without the other Finder team arriving. We patrolled the city streets with not much else to do, Kanda with Andrei, me with Dan.

We paused to watch a gypsy troupe dancing and playing music, standing at the back of the crowd.

"So what were you and Andrei muttering about last night?"

Dan glanced over, his eyebrows drawn together in honest bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"

"You didn't tell me the rumors going around about me. Cough it up."

"Oh, that," Dan said dryly.

I turned to face him, forgetting about the performance. "What it is that you can't tell me?"

"Shouldn't you be more worried about any Akuma right now?"

I clenched my teeth, not liking his tone one bit. "Yeah, fine, that's important. I haven't forgotten my job, thank you very much." I bit my tongue and took a deep breath to lose the bitchy tone and sarcasm in my voice, opting instead for serious but not over-anxious. "Dan, tell me."

Dan sighed deeply and looked around to make sure no one was paying attention. He took a few steps back into the entrance of an alley. It was shadowed and private; the fiddling of the violin from the gypsy show was softer. I turned my full attention to Dan, waiting for him to speak first.

He looked nervous, scratching the back of his head and stalling, the expressions on his face changing in rapid succession as he thought on how to phrase whatever it was he was about to say. I grew impatient and worried with every passing second, until I was shaking.

"Please don't draw this out," I whispered finally.

Dan looked up at me and our eyes met for the first time in minutes. He looked sadder and then let out a puff of air.

"It's mostly little things. Little quirks. Everyone talks about everyone else's strange quirks and behaviors, it's not unusual."

"What are my quirks?"

"Well…people call you fake."

I was stunned and too surprised to feel relief. But that wasn't all, judging by the expression on his face. With a look I pressed him on.

"It's mostly that you don't seem to try to know anyone. Sure, I mean, you talk and you laugh and make jokes, but no one thinks they know you. You seem very shallow and distant from it all. I've heard some call you 'self-absorbed'. You ask about our lives but don't give us anything in return. You don't tell us anything about yourself but I don't think it's because you're humble, but that you don't _want _anyone to know." He stopped, putting together his next thoughts. "You take a little something from everyone but don't give anything in return, and people feel offended by that."

He was looking me dead in the eye now but his expression was completely unreadable, as if he was purposefully blocking me from gauging his thoughts.

"But that's…I..." I couldn't speak, swallowing dry air. "That's not true," I replied finally. "I've never meant to come off that way."

"That's not what you were suspecting, right?" he added, and the way he phrased it sent another shot of anxiety to my stomach and the butterflies rising. I dreaded what came next.

"What else?" I asked, immediately regretting it as the seconds passed by. "That's not even the worst of it, is it?"

Dan looked away at the paved road. "A few weeks back someone passed by your room and heard…distinct noises from within."

My stomach dropped and I took a deep breath. My worst fears were confirmed. "So what? I'm the Order's whore now?"

"No," Dan replied quickly, shaking his head. "We're still guessing on who it could be. Though…" he paused again and then said in a small voice, "It's Kanda. Right?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer him. He stepped away, distancing himself further. Finally: "Why him? What do you see in him? He's an asshole."

I shook my head and stared at the paved stones, my fist clenching tightly round my rosary and wishing I hadn't pushed the conversation into being. "I can't explain," I replied finally. "And besides, my personal life is no one's business but my own. My social life is one thing. I'm sorry if I come off that way, I don't mean to. I want to be friends with the people at the Order, I want them to trust me and I…I trusted them. I never…" My voice faded but I didn't think I had an audience. When I glanced back up at Dan though, he was looking at me and his expression was strange. The eyes were open but the face was still guarded—like he wanted to hear me out but wasn't sure if he was willing yet. As if he was still willing to give me a chance.

"I have a request," I said plainly. He perked up just slightly. "Please don't talk to Andrei—or anyone else, for that matter—about this. I want to keep it as discreet as possible."

Dan didn't reply for a moment, glancing back at the street performance. The music was over and the performers were going around the crowd, hats held out for coins.

"Do you want me to lie for you?" he stated bluntly, and his tone was less than receptive. He was closing off from me again, mentally distancing himself from me even as he didn't move away. I could feel it as much I could feel the sun in my face and the fabric of my coat and nothing in the world scared me more at this moment than being completely alone.

"I never said that. I just don't want anything else to get out. I don't want people's opinions about me to be shaped by one stupid mistake."

It was the first time acknowledging aloud what the whole affair was, and Dan seemed surprised by the statement but didn't comment on it. Instead he just nodded and said, "Fine. I understand. I'll see if I can…oh, I don't know," he finished lamely, running his hands through his hair. Then he asked, "Why do you care so much what others think of you anyway?"

I shrugged. "I always have. Old habits die hard. Hell, I bet even Kanda cares a little about others see him."

At this Dan laughed. "That's bull and we both know it," he said with a grin. I smiled back at him out of reflex but I couldn't bring myself to agree.

"Thank you for telling me."

He nodded. "You know what they say about rumors anyway."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"They only last 21 days. It's been longer than that now. No one probably puts any value into that rumor anyway, and no one would believe it was Kanda."

"And you'll make sure it stays that way, right?" I needed assurance at this moment more than I needed anything else.

He nodded again and stepped forward, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "I will do what I can."

We stepped back out of the alley and walked on through the street.

"Hey, Dan."

"Hmm?"

I needed him to at least believe I was sincere now, even if he didn't think much of me as a person. I was hoping to change that, but until that time I had to play the cards I was dealt. After all, change comes into two forms, fast and slow. This was a change that was slow in coming, but I wanted him to understand my own willingness. If I could change his opinion, a person who knew my secret, then perhaps I could change others. If I could confront one problem here, I could confront the other, more personal one too. "If I'm ever coming off as 'fake'…I don't mean to. And even if it doesn't seem that way, I care about the people at the Order."

He didn't answer for a while.

Rounding a corner we came to an intersection and hit a flood of foot traffic, people from all areas of the country mingling. Languages mixed in the din; Bulgarian mostly but French and German as well.

"You can still work when he's here, can't you?" Dan asked softly. He was of course asking after Kanda.

I nodded firmly, once. "Of course. I'm still an Exorcist, personal choices aside."

Dan looked pensive for a moment but didn't voice his thoughts. His backpack buzzed suddenly and we paused while Dan pulled the phone from the pack. "What is it?"

A few moments of silence passed and then Dan replied, "Okay, see you soon," and hung up.

"What is it?"

"The other team's arrived. We'll meet them in ten minutes. Let's go."

* * *

I now know exactly where this is going. It's just a matter of putting words to paper and hoping it all makes sense. I am very receptive to suggestions on how to improve the story (like how to make my OC less whiny, etc). On a totally unrelated note, were we ever told how Mana died, or just that he died? Also, how old was Allen when Mana died? This is for a little plot bunny that's running around in my head. I promise to finish this first.


	7. Chapter 7

Last time:

_Dan's backpack buzzed suddenly and we paused while Dan pulled the phone from the pack. "What is it?"_

_A few moments of silence passed and then Dan replied, "Okay, see you soon," and hung up._

_"What is it?"_

_"The other team's arrived. We'll meet them in ten minutes. Let's go."_

* * *

They looked tired, like they hadn't slept in a few days. They didn't even talk much beyond greeting the four of us before asking to lead them back to the inn.

They slept until dinner, and we assembled as a group in the inn's small, cramped dining room. For some reason Kanda and I ended up sitting next to each other across from the Finders. Dan kept glancing between me and Kanda nervously before I kicked his leg under the table and shot him a warning glance.

When I looked back at my food I met Kanda's eyes, and his eyebrow was raised in mild confusion but he didn't say anything. I rolled my eyes and returned to my meal. His curiosity be damned.

The three Finders, refreshed, gave us the story of the hold-up in Greece.

Turns out they met their own string of Akuma while in Greece and got saved by General Nyne, who happened to be passing in the area. I asked after my old mentor and was happy to hear she was doing well as always.

The conversation died quickly. None of the Finders seemed interested in talking. Now that Dan knew about the situation, he kept constantly keeping one eye on Kanda and I, as if he was waiting for the fireworks to shoot off. And I was tired of it already, and regretting telling him about the mess in the first place.

That afternoon we left Sofia to go further into the countryside. The land grew progressively hilly as we went along, hitching a ride with a farmer partway through. The three Finders continued to remain tacit and withdrawn from Dan, Andrei, Kanda and I. I chalked it up to fatigue and didn't bother them about it.

It was just after sunset that we reached an inn along the road, where the farmer was stopping for the night. We thanked him by paying for his room that night. It seemed he was heading in a different direction in the morning than us, so we were left to where we'd started. Andrei spent a few minutes trying to find us transportation, and that left me stuck in a room with Kanda…again.

Neither one of us even pretended to try and sleep this time. But neither did we talk. We sat on opposite sides of the room, not looking at another. And I was beginning to wonder why I hadn't just left the room already. I was choking, wanting to say something but not knowing where to even begin. I stared at the doorknob, noting the grain of the wood and the sheen from many hands' touch with unnatural curiosity and focus. That was one damn interesting doorknob.

"If you want to sleep, I can leave."

I glanced from the doorknob to Kanda, who wasn't looking at me but instead boring a hole in the floor with his gaze.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice coming out clipped. "If you're tired, I'll go."

I was staring at Kanda, schooling my expression to keep it blank. But a thought kept rolling around my mind that wouldn't desist: why hadn't he just got up and left on his own? I wasn't stopping him. If he was uncomfortable there was nothing in his way of leaving the room. He looked up from the floor to me, his eyebrows drawn together, scowling.

"What is your problem?"

I crossed my arms, continuing to stare. "Problem? What are you talking about?"

His scowl darkened and he rose to his feet, about to say something when there was a loud explosion from outside that shook the building.

"What the…?" I uttered, hand clutching my rosary. One quick glance passed between us before we were both flying out the door and outdoors, stopping in momentary shock at the sight before us.

There was a Level-Two Akuma floating several feet in the air before us, and judging by the torn clothes on the ground, that Akuma had just killed one of the Finders.

I glanced sharply around, searching for Dan and the others, to see Andrei lying on the ground, clutching his arm as blood seeped through his fingers. Dan was standing in front of him, staring wide-eyed at the other Finders, his expression etched in shock. He was shaking.

The other two Finders were standing only a foot or two apart from the floating Akuma, and the grins on their faces could have split their faces apart. Chills shot down my spine and without a second thought I activated my Innocence. All of this occurred in a span of about five seconds.

"Shit!" I heard Kanda exclaim softly, and he ran straight at the other two Finders, Mugen drawn and activated. As he reached them he brought his sword down sharply, but was thrown back to the ground. The two Finders had vanished, ripping out of their skins to transform into two other Level-Two Akuma. All three looked alike, triplets of grinning clowns with disproportionately large appendages and lidless eyes that glowed menacingly in the dark.

"Oh…God…" I muttered, shaking.

"Kid! Get it together!" Kanda screamed. I snapped back to the moment and gripped the javelin tighter.

I charged toward the Akuma.

The three monsters spread apart; Kanda sent a barrage of Insects chasing after one while he directly charged another. I stopped looking at his battle and leapt into the air to chase after my own.

A hand slammed itself into my gut, sending me crashing to the ground. The world went black for a moment and when my vision came back it was swimming. I rose unsteadily to my feet, gripping the javelin and searching desperately for the Akuma. A loud cackle echoed in my ears before I was thrown to the ground a second time.

_Pathetic…_my mind echoed, as I tried to rise to my feet again. I snapped around, saw the Akuma float slowly over. He was nearly pirouetting in the air, a small giggle escaping his mouth as he came over to me.

"Come on, Exorcist, give me a good fight!"

Vile iron filled my mouth and I spat blood. I brought my hand to my mouth, wiping away more blood as it spilled from my mouth. A hard clicking clattered against my teeth and I spat into my hand to see a tooth had been knocked loose. I didn't even feel it. Anger surged in me and I threw the tooth to the ground, my javelin raised high in the air as I swung down at the Akuma.

This time when the Akuma hit me, he pinned me to the ground. His hand had enlarged itself further, so that my whole body fit under the palm of his hand. I struggled as he held me down, laughing.

"This is boring," he said, giggling. "I heard Exorcists were supposed to be good at fighting!"

"Get off of me and I can show you a good fight," I spat at him. _Now is not the time to be showing off, _a voice echoed sharply inside my head. I ignored it. Instead I said, "What did you do to the real Finders?"

The Akuma giggled again, the pitch more shrill. "Oh, them?"

"What did you do?" I repeated fiercely, glancing around as I did for any chance to escape.

"We ran into them on the way here and had a little fun!" he giggled. And suddenly that horrendous face was looming not three inches from my own, and all I could see were glowing green eyes. "Wanna take a guess at _my _powers, Exorcist?" He giggled again as he continued, "Or are you as slow in the mind as you are in a fight?"

I spat in his face. An ugly mix of blood and saliva ran down his face. He merely grinned at me.

"I don't care," I snarled at him, wriggling to get free.

The Akuma's face transformed before my eyes. Sitting on top of me now, with a hand resting on my chest, was my mother, the mix of spittle and blood dripping from her cheek.

I froze and my throat clamped up.

"You wouldn't hurt me, would you?" she said, and I choked in shock. It was her voice, it was her weight and her warmth and the comforting touch of her hand and everything about her was real except that she was _dead. _

I snarled, pushing the form off of me, and rolling away to rise to my feet.

The look on her face was struck and hurt. "Why did you push me away?" she said, bringing her hands to her chest.

"Stop it," I snarled, the javelin raised high in front me, the point glinting. All other sounds had dimmed in my mind; all I saw, all I heard, all I understood at this point was that my mother was standing in front of me.

_No, no! It's not, it's that damn Akuma! _the voice of reason screamed._ Kill it! _I didn't get it. After weeks of successful encounters with Akuma and efficient missions, here I was, unable to lift a hand against another demon without hesitating in fear of hurting it. Because this felt real, in every sense of the word. _Get it together, get it together! _Kanda's words echoed in my brain. _  
_

A wicked grin split across my mother's face—a smile that she would never have had. "This not good enough for you?" her voice taunted.

And the form before me changed again. "Wanna guess what my powers are now?" the Akuma screamed gleefully, only now it was the voice and the face and the body of Kanda laughing horribly at me.

The grin dropped away and Kanda—_it's not really him!—_advanced towards me. I stepped back, fear and pain welling up.

_No! No! It's not him! It's an illusion, damn it! _

"Do I feel like an illusion to you?" came a soft voice just a few inches away. I snapped my eyes open. I hadn't even realized I'd closed them. Kanda stood inches in front of me. Body heat rolled off him, and the unique scent all his own came wafting into my nose. He reached up and touched my hair, the rough textures of his fingers grazing against my strands and against my skin as his hand drifted down to my face.

I took a step back out of shock. "It's not real…it's not real…" a voice I didn't recognize as my own whispered out.

"I am very real," came Kanda's voice. "Why are you running away from me?"

"Get away!" I snarled, rushing back and holding the javelin point a few centimeters above Kanda's heart.

The look on his face dropped into almost a pout, a look I'd never seen on Kanda's face before. "Why are you running away? I hurt you, maybe?"

"Go away," I snapped, jabbing the end of the javelin at his chest but not actually penetrating skin. My own arms wouldn't complete the action my head was screaming at me to do.

An explosion not a few feet away sent both me and the doppelganger to the ground. The jolt of sound and motion sent my senses reeling back. I rose to my feet to see Kanda already at his feet, Mugen raised and glowing.

"Come on, you can't hate me all that much," he said tauntingly, a wide, devilish grin spread on his face. He was giggling again. Kanda was giggling and it was downright the creepiest thing I had ever seen in my life.

I charged him.

What happened next didn't process fully in my mind until after the fight was over. A series of blows and dodges were exchanged between me and the Akuma, neither of us making any headway. Not only did the Akuma completely imitate Kanda's form and feel, he imitated his skill with deadly accuracy as well.

A grin suddenly spread on my own face, and I closed the distance between myself and the Akuma. I dipped down to a crouch and kicked the Akuma's legs out, upsetting his balance long enough to twist my way forward and jab his wrist at the pressure point there with my free hand. And at the moment the Akuma screamed out in pain, I stabbed the end of the javelin in his gut.

The look of outrage was the last expression I saw on his face, and the face was purely Kanda's.

The resulting explosion sent me reeling to the ground. After that the world was black and all sound diminished and I lay on the ground, a terrible giggle escaping my own lips. _I won, _my mind repeated. _I won. _

I heard muted shouting around me and felt the earth beneath me rumbling with Kanda's fight; the real Kanda, the one who had actually hurt me. The one that had hurt me so badly that the weakness was used in a fight against me. It was too much, really. _Trick me once, shame on you, _my mind whispered. I giggled again. But the giddiness of winning the fight was fading. I felt a pang of pain in my jaw; the adrenaline was slowly ebbing away and my mouth _hurt. _I'd need a replacement tooth when we returned to the Order. My mind wandered slowly through thoughts about what I would need to do next. No, now, soon.

_Talk to Kanda...replace my tooth...talk to Kanda...trick me once, shame on you...replace my tooth..._

_Trick me twice, shame on me, _a small voice in my head sang out, my last conscious thought before passing out.


	8. Chapter 8

Here is the one you've all been waiting for.

* * *

"So wait, what exactly happened?"

"Isn't it pretty obvious?"

I was sitting up in my seat, Dan changing the bandages on my arm as we rode back on the train out of Bulgaria. The mission was over. No Innocence had been found; several Akuma had been destroyed. In terms of business, it was a marginally successful day. In terms of personal satisfaction, it was not.

"My theory is that the Akuma could read memories of the people they touched. That was why when they were disguised as the Finders they could give us the right story and so not be suspect. That's probably how they killed others in the first place."

I turned to look at Andrei, whose arm was heavily bandaged and in a sling, though the measures were temporary. He was sleeping at the moment. Dan was covered in small cuts and bruises but was still in relatively good shape. I was sore all over, especially in my abdomen, and had bruises on my arms and legs in addition to a bad slash on my arm. What bothered me most was my missing tooth and the fact that it was killing me. My tongue would run over the gaping hole every so often, and the feeling of nothing there was strange. Kanda alone had escaped the mission unscathed, but he had a slight advantage over everyone else after all.

"How's he doing?" I asked Dan, motioning with my good arm at Andrei. Dan sighed and said, "We need to hurry and get him proper care. As soon as we reach a city we're getting off and taking care of him."

I stared at Dan, whose hands were shaking again. Ever since that night, any mention of the mission sent him shivering in fear, and I was beginning to worry.

"He'll be fine," said a gruff voice beside me, and I glanced over at Kanda, who was glaring out the window.

No one said a word after that.

xox

Two days later we were back on a train heading west. We'd gotten permission to return back home. We had taken a day to get Andrei into a doctor's office, where they did the stitches and set his arm in a cast and other basic medical care, but he would have to recover at the Order. Dan and I had our injuries taken care of and I was given pain pills for my mouth. Now I was sitting in the dining car of the train across from Andrei and Dan while Kanda sat beside me, waiting for lunch. There were only a few other people inside the car, for which I was grateful.

It had been a long couple of days and the fatigue was finally catching up to us. No one was talking at all.

Food came and for some time everyone sat and enjoyed their meal and eventually small talk began until we had started a full conversation. The atmosphere turned momentarily pleasant and it was almost like we were already back home at the Order.

"How're you feeling?" I asked Andrei, who grinned slightly back at me.

"At least it was my left arm that got hurt and not my right," he replied, lifting his fork to his mouth and happily eating his plate of food right up.

I smiled and glanced over at Dan, who was looking at the man beside him with both guilt and worry. He noticed me staring and attempted a smile before turning to Andrei.

"I'm sorry about your arm."

"What for?" Andrei replied. "Nothing you could have done about it."

"That's not true," Dan replied softly. The three of us stopped what we were doing and stared at Dan. My worry came back a hundredfold and I glanced at Andrei, who was sitting beside his friend, clearly uncomfortable on how to reassure him that things were really okay.

"It's all my fault," Dan uttered softly. I turned back to him. He was staring at the ground, his fists curled up in an attempt to stop the shaking. "I should have noticed that they were acting strange."

"It's not your fault," I said. "No one noticed. It was a miracle no one died."

"But, Andrei…" Dan whispered, and he voiced was breaking. "I should have seen it, and then Andrei wouldn't be hurt."

"No one's blaming you," I said softly, and I reached out and lay my hand over his shaking fist. Dan glanced up sharply at me, his eyes brimming with tears. "Just remember that no one's perfect. We aren't expecting you to be able to protect everyone all the time. Just to do what you can."

A snort sounded beside me and Andrei, Dan and I looked over at Kanda. "What?" I said coldly.

"Nothing," Kanda replied. "But don't get all wishy-washy with the new kid just because he's incompetent."

_Wishy-washy? Really, Kanda?_ "He's not incompetent, he's just inexperienced," I replied back, trying to keep my voice level.

Kanda puffed a blast of air. "Ain't that the truth."

"Mr. Kanda, that's a bit much, don't you think?" Andrei piped in, his voice polite but firm. "I'm fine, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. You shouldn't either."

Kanda glanced over at the Finders. "You Finders wouldn't die so much if you weren't incompetent. Your inexperience only puts the rest of us at risk."

"What are you trying to say?" Dan snapped coldly, his voice rising in volume. Other passengers in the dining car were staring openly at the four of us now. Andrei sat back, clearly upset but keeping his mouth shut. Kanda's arms were crossed and he and Dan were exchanging hair-curling scowls. Dan's knife was pointed straight into the air in his curled fist, the sunlight through the window catching a menacing glint on the steel.

"That's enough, you two," I said as calmly as I could manage. "It's been a long couple of days, everyone is just stressed out. Dan, put down the knife. Kanda, please, just be quiet."

"No," Dan said sharply, turning on me. "Let the man say what he wants to say. After all, why bother holding back at all?"

"Little weakling's got a point."

"Kanda," I warned softly, "I'm telling you, shut it." My own ire was rising. A pile of frustrations a mile high were reaching the boiling point. The atmosphere was no help. I looked across at Andrei, wordlessly begging for help. He didn't do anything. His own fist was curled tightly together until the knuckles were white, but he sat there anyway, not moving at all. I was on my own.

"We don't need incompetent people working for us when every time something goes wrong, we Exorcists have to put our asses on the line to save you idiots."

Now I was just pissed. Enough was enough.

Things happened in quick succession. I rose to my feet in a loud clatter of disturbed china and silverware; Dan reached across the table to lunge at Kanda, and Andrei sprung into action, holding Dan back despite the sling.

I reached over, hauled Kanda to his feet and literally dragged him down the dining car and into the next car where there were smaller, private compartments. I opened the door of the nearest one I could find, pushed Kanda inside and shut the door behind me, snapping the lock violently shut.

He stared at me, clothes ruffled, the look on his face one of mixed shock and outrage. "What the fuck was that about?" he snapped coldly.

"Clam it," I snapped. His eyes widened another fraction. For a moment I said nothing, seething, my fist clenched, my breath heavy, and my head pounding.

"What is your fucking problem?" I said outright. "Why do you say things like that? Is it fun for you to get people to hate you?"

No answer. His expression closed and turned cold and for some moments we glared openly at each other.

"What about you?" he snapped suddenly. "Why are you pretending to be perfect and poking your nose into other peoples' business?"

"I'm not pretending anything! It's my business too whether or not the Finders support us. You're no help by treating them like shit."

He stepped forward, hand on Mugen. "Then what? What the fuck are you trying to pull by pretending to care?"

"What are you talking about? I'm trying to treat you like you're a decent human being and all I get in return is insensitivity and dismissal."

"As if you're any different!" he nearly shouted.

That stopped me. _Wait, what?_

"What is this about?" he continued, his tone marginally softer. "Did the mission really piss you off this much, or are you just covering for something else at this point?"

And then I lost it again. As if he didn't know.

"How much of a fucking moron are you? Isn't it obvious? Do I need to spell it out in small words in order for you to understand?"

It clicked. His nose curled into a look of derision and he turned away. "You're kidding me."

"Fuck no, I'm not!"

"What right do you think you have to be upset about that?" he seethed. "What does that have to do with anything happening right now?"

"Nothing!" I shrieked. "Absolutely nothing! It's not the point, Kanda, the point is that ever since this assignment began you've been nothing but dismissive and rude and an asshole! No wonder people hate you!"

"I'm only responding to the treatment I'm given," he replied smoothly, looking me dead in the eye.

I sputtered on my words, too furious to make a complete thought. And then he had to go and continue that thought.

"Did you ever think that maybe you're part of the damn problem too, or were you feeling too sorry for yourself to consider any other possibilities?"

I furrowed my brow, my whole body vibrating as I attempted to get under control again. "What are you talking about? I've done nothing wrong here! This is _you_, Kanda, you get that? _Your_ fault that we're standing here right now." I turned away from him, thinking maybe that not seeing his face would help me form complete thoughts again. "That morning you just walked out of the room as if it were nothing. You—"

"What was I supposed to do? I don't get you—I don't understand what happened either!"

I turned back toward, frowning, my voice icy. "What is it that you don't 'get'?"

"That morning!" he gestured, his hand stabbing the air and throwing itself up in exasperation. "What was _that_?"

xox

_~ Flashback to the Morning After ~_

Sunlight peaked between my eyelids and I rolled over to avoid it—only to roll onto another warm body.

Kanda was still asleep, strands of hair falling over his face, his mouth slightly gaping open. Memories of the night before zipped through my mind, assisted by the soreness in my body. I had fallen asleep crying, and oddly Kanda had stayed through the whole night. I had expected him to be gone in the morning, and didn't know how to react when he was still lying beside me on the bed. But I wasn't happy about it, nor relieved. The fact that he hadn't left made me more nervous.

My movements had awoken him and he slowly opened his eyes, grumpy until he saw my face. Both of us froze, staring at the other, waiting for someone to make a move or say something.

I was ultimately the one to move. I sat up, bringing the blanket with me to cover my chest, tucking hair behind my ears. In a calm voice I said, "We should probably get going to breakfast."

He didn't speak but stared at me, almost dumbly.

I turned away and stood, bringing the blanket with me and wrapping it around my body protectively. I picked up Kanda's clothes and handed them to him before retrieving my own. Wordlessly I began to dress and after I finished the buttons on my shirt did I hear Kanda moving around.

Silence was alleviated by the rustling of fabric, buttons placed into orderly hooks and zippers closing shut.

"Where's my shoes?"

I padded over and handed Kanda his boots. I don't think I really looked at him. I was dressed and ready for him to leave, but wasn't sure how to go about it.

Inadvertently we met each other's eyes. I glanced down but could still feel his gaze on me.

"About last night—" he began.

"Don't worry about it," I said quickly, looking up and planting a content expression. "It's okay, I…uh…it's okay."

He seemed stunned and for a moment said nothing. He then stood and began to strip the sheets.

I reached over and pulled them out of his hands. "I'll do that," I snapped, looking up at him before looking away guiltily. "Don't worry about it. Just…" I looked over at the door. "You should go. Uh. Eat. Breakfast—most important meal of the day, right?" I smiled weakly, desperate to get him away from me.

Kanda's stunned stare shifted into a closed, cold expression and he turned away, making sure to grab Mugen before going out the door without another word.

xox

I stared at him, surprised. "What are you talking about?"

"You didn't even acknowledge what happened!"

"Why would I need to? It was just sex to you, right?" All the pain and anger were resurfacing.

"_You _treated it like it was just sex!" he snapped.

I stood frozen, eyes wide, stunned. "What?" I whispered.

"You just dismissed me like it was an ordinary day! You didn't acknowledge me or—why did you try to pretend nothing happened?" he accused. I was completely unable to speak, and could only stare back. This seemed to anger him further. "What was I supposed to think? You treated it like nothing happened and then completely avoided me afterward! And then you have the fucking _nerve _to feel sorry for yourself and blame me!"

_SLAP!_

I froze in place, my hand still in midair, both of us completely still, both stunned. It was deathly quiet. A bright red mark glowed on Kanda's face.

"You took advantage of me," I replied in a small voice.

"I did not. You consented."

"WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?" I screeched at him. "You came to me, _me_, of all the other, better people you could have gone to! And then you ask me to let you stay!" I stopped, took a step back, and took a deep breath. The red mark was still prevalent on Kanda's face and I regretted slapping him. It had not brought any satisfaction.

"Why did you come to me?" I asked, and this was truly the question I'd wanted an answer for since the moment Kanda had come to me that night.

He did not answer me for a long time. He glared openly and I wondered if I'd ever get an answer. And then he began to speak in clear, soft tones, that I had no trouble hearing.

"You don't question me. You don't question anybody. All I had to do was go to you and walk in the door, because all you ever do is let someone be around you. You absorb others into your world without even thinking about it, trusting that they aren't going to hurt you."

"And then afterward you didn't accept me anymore. You shut me out like I meant nothing, and that nothing I did had any effect on you. What was I supposed to do? You threw me away first."

There was no denying the pain in his voice, the anger and disappointment. "Why did you do that?"

It was just like what Dan had told me just a few days before. Only now, the consequences were so much worse and I didn't want to believe that it was my doing. I couldn't accept it.

_Don't lie to yourself. You just don't want to accept it. _

Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

I had to answer him. He had the right to an answer. But it was several minutes of silence before I could begin to piece my thoughts together.

"I thought you were using me. There was no way you'd pick me out of the handful of people you really know. And then…" I paused, collecting my words, my voice soft. "And then we slept together…and when I asked, you said that was no one else to go for 'this'—and I thought 'this' only meant the sex."

I was crying again.

"That's why you were crying then, too, isn't it?"

I nodded, wiping the tears away with my palm. "When you said you were sorry, that just…" I shut my eyes and nearly whispered, "I've made a huge mistake, haven't I?"

He didn't answer. I remembered that night in a painful clarity and whispered, "Why did you apologize?"

He paced a few steps in a circle, needing to move. Wanting to run away from the problem as fast as he could, because it was what Kanda did. But I was blocking the door and there was no way I was moving anytime soon. He replied, "Because you were crying and I didn't know to say anything except that I was sorry." There was regret and pain in that voice, and I realized that he did feel guilty. He knew his part in the disaster and was bitterly sorry for it.

I was only beginning to realize mine. _I'm such an idiot_, I thought, and turned to get the tears under control. I slid down onto the upholstered bench inside the compartment and glanced out the window because I couldn't face him. Not to say what I needed to say before he was gone forever.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I began. "But…I wish you'd stayed and made me talk about it. Hell, we could have avoided all of this. It's not my fault." I paused before continuing. "And it's not yours. And I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen, not anymore."

I owed it to him to look him in the eye now. He looked back, his expression serious.

"I'm not ready to forgive and forget, because it doesn't change anything that already happened. But I'm willing to try again. I don't want to dismiss you from my life."

There was loneliness in his eyes that I had never seen before behind the coldness he always displayed. The shield he was using to keep others at bay, as opposed to my false openness. Because I had been thinking about what Dan had said, and what Kanda had said, and I hated that fact that they were right, and it hurt to admit. There was actual pain in my head and my heart from seeing things in that way. In the end, it really came out to the same thing: it was protection against pain, but we just had different ways of going about it.

I was done. I had said everything I wanted to say and was waiting for his answer.

His grip on Mugen tightened and he turned toward the door. "Do you regret it?"

I paused and then replied in a small voice: "Yes…I do."

A pause. "What _exactly _do you regret?"

I glanced over. The expression on his face was unreadable now—or perhaps I really had no idea of who he was really was anyway.

"I regret that this happened. I regret fighting…when it might have been avoided."

I returned my gaze to the window. He didn't reply to that statement, and I didn't want to see his face.

I heard him take a deep breath. "I'm…"

I looked over, reluctantly meeting his eyes. He let out a heavy sigh and turned away. In a rather gruff voice he replied, "We'll see."

He opened the door and strode out.


	9. Chapter 9

I am sorry about the long wait, and there are no excuses. Anyway, here it is, the final installment. Thank you to everyone who had taken the time to read this, and especially to the reviewers and to those who favorited and alerted this story. Please enjoy.

* * *

I stared up at the ceiling of my bedroom, replaying the last few weeks in my mind.

It was quiet here, in this personal space that I could honestly call my own. There was nothing moving. A slight whistle of wind seeped between the cracks in my window. I counted the floating dust particles that danced their ways out of the sunlight that passed through the glass panes and illuminated a bright rectangle on the floor of my room.

I could feel every fiber in my body and took some time slowly tightening and relaxing each section of my body, beginning with my toes and slowly working my way up to my head, melting into the mattress until I felt like a pile of relaxed goo. It felt so good. I did not want to move for the rest of the day.

This was peace.

There came a knock at the door.

"I'm sleeping," I answered softly. The mechanism in the doorknob clicked open and I heard the door swing in, a couple footsteps step softly inside before the whoosh of air came again as the door was shut. Soft footsteps sounded on the wooden floor and Lenalee's face loomed over mine. She had a soft look on her face.

"Time to wake up," she said quietly.

"Sit down," I replied. "I'm not moving anytime soon."

She shrugged. "Okay." I felt a depression in the mattress as Lenalee sat herself down at my feet at the end of the bed. She shifted around until she was leaning against the wall and then stopped.

I continued to stare up at the ceiling.

"So how was the mission?"

I didn't reply a moment, sifting through my thoughts until I settled on one word. "Eventful."

"I came up to tell you that Andrei is doing fine. He'll recover in a month, Matron says. Turns out that the break wasn't too bad."

"That's good to hear," I replied, and for the first time in a while it was honest. "How's Dan?"

"Hmm," the Chinese girl replied. "He seems alright. He seems to be taking his job as Finder more seriously now, so I think he'll be okay."

"That's good," I answered. Again, it was genuine gladness for him.

Neither of us spoke or moved for some moments. I continued to remain relaxed as I lay on my bed, and Lenalee continued to sit at my feet. I glanced at her. She too was staring, but her gaze was soft as it looked toward the view outside my window.

"This is the first time I've slept in my own bed in weeks," I said softly. She didn't reply. "I forgot how absolutely comfortable it was."

She still didn't reply. We stayed in a comfortable silence. There wasn't a need to talk. I felt no obligations to fill the silence with inane chatter like I would have before. The quiet didn't seem to scare me so much anymore.

"If you're hungry, lunch is serving soon."

"In a minute," I replied. "I want to tell you something first."

I was looking at Lenalee now, and she turned her attention away from the window scene to look at me. Her face was open and welcoming, and so I began without any prompting from her. "We talked."

"So what was the result?"

I quoted him. "We'll see."

"I see." She stretched her arms out in front of her before settling again. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Honestly?"

She smiled slightly. "Always best to be honest, right?"

I smiled back. "I'm okay." I stretched up, slowly raising myself to sit up on the bed and face Lenalee fully. "You were right. We needed to talk, and I waited until it was almost too late. But I think…I think that everything will be okay now."

"Do you ever think you'll be friends with him?"

I shrugged. "We'll see. For right now, though, this is enough." I moved my legs now, stretching them out and then curling them up to sit Indian-style, with my legs tucked together in a little pretzel. "I'm going to work on other things too. But I'm going to need help every now and then. So I hope it wouldn't be too much to ask if you would be willing to help."

Lenalee sighed and her lips curled softly upward on one side. "I would like that a lot."

"And…"

"And?"

"If you ever need help, I'm here."

Lenalee stretched out and came to her feet, the bottom of her shoes clicking on the wooden floor. "I'll take you up on that. So how about we eat?"

My stomach rumbled loudly at just that moment, and I felt my face go warm. Lenalee giggled softly and I said, "That's a good idea."

xox

"Allen, don't you ever get indigestion from eating so much?"

The white-haired boy glanced up halfway through his pudding, surrounded on all sides by mountains of plates and silverware. "No. Why do you ask?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Never mind."

Allen shrugged and continued eating as if he'd never been interrupted. I glanced across the table at Lenalee, who sat beside him, and she rolled her eyes.

A pair of hands clamped roughly down on my shoulders and I nearly face-planted into my bowl of soup. "ANDIIIIIIII~! Long time no see!"

I turned to glare at the source of the voice. "Hello Lavi. Could you let go now?"

He laughed and released my shoulders, plopping himself down on the empty space beside me and said, "Well, it has been a while since you've eaten with us."

"I've been on back-to-back missions for a while now, that's why," I said, trying to pretend I was irritated with our crazy redhead and failing miserably. He saw straight through it and placed an arm around my shoulder.

"You and I should get together some time to make up for the long absence."

I laughed and picked his arm up off of my shoulder. "Not in the mood," I replied good-naturedly.

He pretended to pout for a moment before something caught his eye and he perked up again. "Oh! There's Yuu," he exclaimed, and then the rabbit was bouncing off to annoy Kanda, who saw Lavi coming and bolted toward the line. It was all in vain as Lavi latched onto Kanda's back. He ordered from Jerry before turning and struggling to remove the annoyance from his shoulders. I watched all of this with no shortage of amusement.

Wait.

I realized, as I gazed at the interaction between the two, that looking at Kanda didn't hurt anymore. It didn't set off a welling of unpleasant feelings inside anymore. I looked at him now, and I saw simply a young man with just as many insecurities and fears as I had. I saw someone who I could empathize with. And that was it. It didn't hurt anymore.

I felt the corners of my mouth lift and I turned back to my food.

"Yuu's joining us today, no matter what!" came the loud voice of Lavi, followed by equally loud protests of "Leave me alone, you stupid rabbit!" from Kanda.

Lavi dragged Kanda and practically threw him at the empty space beside me, planting himself on the other side so that the Japanese man could not escape.

Kanda glanced at all of the occupants at the table, grumbling death-threats to Lavi as he did so. But even after Lavi let him go he didn't get up from the table.

He stopped and glanced at me, and I at him. For a moment we stared at each other, before he simply nodded in acknowledgement and dove into his soba noodles, ignoring everything Lavi was saying to him in typical Kanda fashion.

I turned my gaze away and met Lenalee's eyes, who had the hint of a smile on her face. In a very small movement she lifted her hand in the air and gave me a thumbs-up, and I returned it just as discreetly.

_It's going to be okay, _I decided. Even after everything, we had spoken. We had resolved it. Whether we would grow beyond it all, and eventually become friends, only time would know.

But for now, it was okay.

_The End._


End file.
